Moments

In moments

I have peace

In moments

I feel fine

in moments

I am so angry

I could tear the world 

In two

In moments

I am hopeful

for the future

and seeing you again

In moments

I am screaming

How unfair

How stupid

Why us

In moments

I pull myself together

I realize it is bigger

I know you are fine

I know 

But

In moments

I am human

I am pain

I am broken

You are gone

Dear Mom

Dear Mom

You’re gone

How incredibly stupid

As if you

could be

gone

Why

I don’t know

what I am

without you

Lost

I guess

I do know

I Feel

The following three posts are a series of poems I wrote a month and ten days after losing my mother to cancer. She had been fighting for a few years, and it finally took her from us on Dec 5th 2014. It has been a year, 4 months and 26 days and I still hurt and I miss her everyday, but I feel like I am finally crawling out of the darkness and I'm ready to start living again. I'm finally ready to share these moments of pain and confusion with the world. 

I feel

ok

terrible

miserable

In a moment

I am fine

I 

am

gone

You are

Everywhere and Nowhere

I think

about you

around you

without you

you

you

you

I cannot stop

the pain

the moment

the missing

And then

I am ok

I forget

I am not ok

I laugh

I smile

hope

future

life

And then

I am not

I am broken

I forget 

I can

laugh

smile

hope

Up

Down

Here

Gone

I am

ok

and not

ok

As I get older, I feel different. I think differently, and I feel things differently. I am making new discoveries, and I find myself transforming daily from who I was to who I am. Maybe i'm a late bloomer on "finding myself"?
Anyway...This is that.

Life

I am fluid
Ever malleable
Moving

Sand and river
An ocean shore
Tides

Minutes take me
I am one then another
Different

My heart moves
A new direction
Changing

Now discovering
Current thoughts vary
Vast

Who am I
I am never same
Carried

Away

Wrecked

This poem was written one sunday, when I was thinking about how much grad school has torn me down, and built me up at times as well, but mostly torn  me down. It is also in reference to how I feel my writing is the only place I can express myself at times, which sometimes makes it feel like a cage.

Wrecked

Wrecked
Is what I
Am lying on the floor
Broken open and
Spilling all my soul
Onto a paper
Cage

Ink
Dripping, my blood
Pooling, loops and swirls
Letters form in my
Hand stretched out
Desperate for a
Touch

Lost
Holding on to false
Hopes and shattered
Dreams in the night
Filling my head with
All I could be is
Gone

Six

I wrote this today. For those who know what is going on in my life, my mother was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer this weekend. It was discovered when she went in for a hernia surgery, and it was totally unexpected. I have been able to process a bit now, but it was a shock and devastating news. Anyway, I wrote this about that experience. Thanks for reading.




Six

Six letters
Previously insignificant
And my world has crashed
Around me
My heart is ripped in two

Be strong
Keep hope
They say

Six letters
Useless without
The context to break me
My soul
Is screaming out for reason

Don't dwell
Stay positive
They say

Six letters
Hit me
In bits and pieces
In lines and moments
Only Processing
I only feel them in glimpses

It's Ovarian
Then chemo
They say

Six letters
The world
I thought I knew
Is nothing that I ever knew
For you
I will be strong

I pray
I love
I say

Scarred

Here is another poem. It's been awhile. Did anyone tell you that grad school was going to be hard? Guess I didn't get the memo, lol. Anyway, working on my thesis, so poetry gets put on the back burner a bit, but the other day I had some time at work and busted this little depressing gem out. Enjoy.

Scarred

Love haunts every part of me
Its absence is louder than I've ever heard
My heart feels hollowed out
And pushed
From every side, crumbling
I am desperate
To fill cracks and mend holes

Love is not real in me
A character in a book, or an imaginary friend
I hope it's there
I dream
But it has never laid a hand on me
I have never felt
The rush and the sting of love

I know only the empty ache
The pain and desperation of not love
I am an outsider
Only watching
While others live and fall
I feel only the bitter nothingness
Of never having tasted love

I am laid desperately bare
Begging for a thing I can only feel
In bits of others' dialogue
In glances
Only others share
I leech, sucking love from other souls
It never reaches mine

Their love never touches my heart
I am merely an observer
A facade of reflected smiles
I am empty
Underneath it all, I am untouched
And somehow I am still
Scarred by love